The Chrismas List. Not.

The Hammacher Schlemmer catalog came in the mail today. If you’re like me, you  thought, “The what…?” I’d never hear of it. Dave was impressed and sat down to cruise the pages.

The kicker headline on the cover indicates it is  “America’s Longest Running Catalog” and it boasts “Offering the Best, the Only and the Unexpected for 169 Years.” I love initial caps in headlines. Actually, I don’t.

Anyway, the Hammacher Schlemmer catalog is filled with lot of bests and onlys and mosts and superiors, all things my life is lacking. I don’t have:

  • The Worlds’ Largest Pac-Man
  • The Only Automatic Cordless Tire Inflator
  • The Best Nose Hair Trimmer (or Best Cordless Hand Vacuum)
  • The World’s Best Prelit Noble Fir (Or Best Fraser Fir or Best Dual Light Concolor Fir or Best Douglas Fir)
  • The Only Heated LED Travel Pillow
  • The Best Heated Throw (or Best Bluetooth Shower Speaker)
  • The Most Efficient Fireplace Grate
  • The Best Photo Converter (or Best Digital Camera Binoculars)
  • The Superior Comfort Bed Lounger
  • The Best Tree Stand (or Best Emergency Radio or Best Gentleman’s Foil Shaver or Best Pocket Radio)
  • The Forever Sharp French Chef’s Knife
  • The Better Generic Ancestry Profile
  • The Best Projection Clock (or Best Genuine Turkish Towels)
  • The Better Outdoor Furniture Covers
  • The Best Heated Vest (or Best Digital Tire Gauge)
  • The World’s Smallest Automatic Umbrella
  • The Best Heated Blanket (Or Best Heated Car Seat)
  • The Total Body Support Pillow
  • The Superior Grout Scrubber (or Superior Beard and Mustache Trimmer)
  • The Best Bug Killer (or Best Multi Handset Cordless Telephone or Best 1,000 AMP Jump Starter)

One thing is intriguing, The Warmest Steering Wheel Cover. It’s $119.95. I’ll wear gloves.

Wait. Free shipping on orders over $99.

Lemme know if you want to borrow my copy. Or you can shop online at

Hammacher Schlemmer Lifetime Guarantee. Unconditional and Unwavering.


About pennywrites

This is my third blog. The first covered what I thought would be my hardest battle. The second blog covered the journey that made the first seem trivial. This time I write because I can, not because I have to or need to.
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